Namaste, Out the Road Blog

Dear All,

Well, it's been a frustrating morning here at the Arias household and I can in part blame myself, as I choose to stay up late watching the Oscars last night. So, this morning finds me a bit sleep-deprived and probably less patient than I might otherwise be. And patience is not just a virtue but a necessity when it comes to caring for my active, 18-month old. Let me give you a taste of what this morning has been like . . .

Over the weekend I'd started bemoaning the fact that this is now my last full week of leave from work (I go back to work fulltime on March 5). In part I bemoan the return to work because I know it will make my schedule very tight on weekdays, but also I was starting to be sad about not having the time to spend with my daughter that I currently enjoy. I've worked long and hard to bring my little girl home and this last week of leave is one of the infrequent opportunities I have to spend uninterrupted time with her. So, I decided that instead of taking her to daycare today, I would keep her home to enjoy time with her, and perhaps make a visit to the Atlanta Zoo, which I've been meaning to do with her since we got home.

These tender thoughts and plans have run head first into the reality of what it means to parent an 18 month old. The thing is that, a child of Ellie's age pretty much wants someone's attention at all times. That makes it pretty hard to do even the minimal things that are required in life, such as showering, dressing, eating, putting on shoes, etc. Doing each of these tasks becomes a juggling act of trying to keep the child out of trouble and entertained, while at the same time trying to do the task at hand. So, as an example, while I'm in my very small half-bathroom putting on scant make-up and combing my hair, Ellie is underfoot, ever in danger of banging her head on the edge of the pedestal sink, trying to roll the rolling cart with my face and hair products out of the bathroom, trying to push the trashcan off the lid of the toilet (which is where I've had to put it because if it's left on the ground, as most trashcans are and should be, she is immediately in there getting out every disgusting and dirty thing that you can imagine might go into a bathroom trashcan). So, while I'm getting my face on and combing my hair, I have to constantly fend off little hands or pacify a fussy child who wants to see or do everything that I'm doing (e.g., I'm combing my hair, so I have to go fetch her comb from its spot in the bigger bathroom, I'm brushing my teeth, so she starts to whine until I go get her toothbrush from the other bathroom, I'm putting on face creme, so I have to pretend to dab some on her face).

In reality, I've learned to navigate these rituals pretty well these days, but sometimes it occurs to me that being a parent is not just about making the best of things with a fussy child, but also about starting to teach that child to be a civilized human being. So, for instance, the last two days I've started to take the tact with Ellie that it's just too small in my little half bathroom for her to be in there, underfoot, while I'm getting ready. She can play or stand and watch from my bedroom, literally just 2 - 3 feet away from me, and it's a much safer (for Ellie), less stressful (for Mommy) scenario. For some reason, however, this arrangement is not satisfactory from her perspective and results in a tears and a tantrum.

Another thing I'm trying to do by way of teaching Ellie to be a more civilized little girl is that when she makes a mess, especially if it's clearly not by accident, I ask that she sit or stand by me and sort of help clean it up. In truth, she's not really much help to me in the cleaning or straightening process, but the point is to teach her that behaviors have consequences. If she pulls all the plastic garbage bags out of the box, then she has to pick them up and put them back in the box. (Again, I really wind up doing this for the most part, as she's not coordinated enough at her age to be very effective, but I think she gets the idea.) If she takes the cat's dry food and spills it on the kitchen floor, then she has to help pick up the food. If she takes all her plates and cups of the pantry shelf and throws them on the ground, she has to help put them away. (I should add, all three of these occurred this morning, along with various other messes that Mommy went ahead and cleaned up on her own, just for efficiency's sake.) Sometimes Ellie actually takes the high road on these consequences, seeming to be okay with the task of cleaning up and putting away. Other times, it produces tears and a tantrum.

One consequence that I hope she learned well this morning is that if you eat stuff that you shouldn't it can make you sick. She came into my bathroom at some point shortly after I'd emptied the Dustbuster vacumn into the tall kitchen garbage can. Well, let me back up a bit . . . Earlier in the morning, I had made the mistake of bringing into the house a large purple ball that is normally kept on the porch. I had gone outside to take some recycling to the bins and she was starting to pitch a fit because I wouldn't let her stay on the porch, so I brought the ball inside to pacify her. Well, she sometime later she threw the ball over the gate at the entrance to my office, which is also where my cat Penny's food is kept, and for the second time that morning managed to knock over and spill all the cat food. The first time I had gotten down on my knees, and had her do likewise, to pick up the food piece by piece and put it back in the bowl. This time, however, because it had been an accident on her part and because I was the one to blame, really, for bringing the ball inside to begin with, I decided just to clean the mess up quick and easy with the Dustbuster. So, back to the story . . . following the whole cat food episode, I was in my bathroom and Ellie comes in sort of coughing and I realize that she is trying to get something out of her mouth. However, I don't see anything obvious in her mouth, so I don't know how to help her. She's not choking, but rather just seems to be irritated by something she has apparently tried to swallow. She continues coughing and eventually, yep, throws up on her clothes and one of her shoes and the bathroom floor. My suspicious is that she saw me dump the Dustbuster in the kitchen garbage can, got curious as to what I'd just done, and opened the garbage can lid and put her hand in there. I've seen her do precisely this many times and I always say, blech, dirty, stay out of the trash can. But, as toddler's tend to do, she insists on defying me on this. In fact, except for my own bathroom trash can, which again I've had to raise off the ground to keep it (more or less) out of her reach, I've had to stop using or perpetually keep emptying my small trash cans around the house because she loves to muck around in them. Unfortunately, the kitchen garbage can does not lend itself to this and it's actually quite large and so she usually can't get into too much trouble with the trash that's in there, unless the bag is starting to get full so that she can reach the stuff on top . . . which is what I think happened today . . . which is why, on top of all the other clean ups of the morning, I then had to clean throw-up off the bathroom floor, had to change her clothes and shoes, and had to put yet another wash cloth and my bathroom hand towel in the dirty laundry hamper.

At a very nice shower this weekend, that was thrown for Ellie and me by Andy's boss and his wife, I was mentioning to a stay-at-home mom of two young boys that, after taking care of Ellie these past several weeks, I have a new-found respect for stay-at-home moms. In my view, going to work in an office environment each day is much easier than taking care of a child Ellie's age, while at the same time trying to do even the minimal things that one does while at home (bathing, eating, minor tidying up, laundry). In their more candid moments, most moms I've talked to about parenting toddlers all confess that it is a wearying job. Yes, they are cute, and, yes, they are dearly loved -- I have gotten into the habit of going into my daughter's room each night when she's asleep, just to look at her and bask in my love for her -- and , yes, most people go into parenting knowing that it entails sacrifices of sleep, privacy, leisure time, and money. But even so, there are times when the job of parenting a toddler requires a couple of extra cups of coffee, a few extra deep breaths, and a bit of venting, just to get ready for whatever post-nap-time brings!

Love,
PA

I've been wanting to make a written record of some of the funny, cute, or non-cute things that Ellie's doing at this age (just turned 18 months about 10 days ago), so here goes:

1. She has recently (in the past week or so) learned to jump off the little bathroom stool I bought for her. (It's actually of no use to her in the bathroom yet, as she still can't reach the sink even when she's standing on the stool.) She loves to grab the little lime green and yellow stool out of the bathroom and bring it into the kitchen when I'm in there getting dinner ready or doing some dishes. She sometimes asks to hold my hand to get up on the stool, or if I put it next to the small table that's in the kitchen, she can get on the stool easily by placing one hand on the table to balance herself. She repeatedly jumps off the stool and I cheer, "Hooray!" A new addition to this activity is that, just this week she has started to accompany each jump by saying, "Ready, Set, Go!", except that instead of Ready she actually says "Beddy" and she tends to skip the Set, and then we both say "Ohhhh!" as she jumps the 6 inches or so off the stool. I have to say, my Ellie is really coordinated and athletic for her age, and she is so passionate about ever expanding and testing her physical skills. I think I have a gymnast in the making!

2. Apart from Ready, Set, Go, she is saying a few English words now. I have to say, I'm proud of her for choosing a few initial words that are particularly relevant to her: diaper (which sounds like "bye-pah") and bottle (which sounds pretty much like bottle, though sometimes it comes out also sounding like "bah-pah"). She is also now saying "bye bye" and it sounds like "bah bah". I was almost teary tonight when for the first time, when I was putting her down to sleep and about to leave the room, she said "bah bah" to me instead of her never-failing "tah tah" that she brought with her from Nepal. She repeated the "bah bah" a few times and then just as I was closing the door I heard her revert back to "tah tah". I was so happy to hear it! I love her little "tah tah" and hope she doesn't lose it, as it will always remind me of the start of our relationship and my visits to CH.

3. She had her first big girl haircut today at a nearby salon called Little Scissors that specializes in cutting kids hair. A few reviews I read online said that they work quickly so they can get through a hair cut even with a screaming, fussy child. Well, Ellie didn't fuss one bit! She sat in my lap let the stylist give her a very cute hair cut, chin length with a shallow taper in the back. It looks very cute, I must say, and hopefully will just fall into place each morning with a bit of combing. We have a few showers/welcome party's for Ellie in the next couple of weekends, so I'm glad my girl will look her best!

4. My friends Peg and Phil brought over their hand-me-down booster seat on Monday and I think it came just in the nick of time, as Little Missy is showing signs of wanting to sit at the dining room table like a big girl. She sat in the booster this evening, after dinner, to eat some Specially for Friday Ice-Cream. (She's funny when she eats ice-cream, scrunching her face up in what appears to be pain or distaste initially, but then wanting more. I think it's the cold that she objects to, but she likes the taste.)

5. I've mentioned in other posts how active she is. The truth is, she does not slow down. Not for a minute. I think when we sit together to read books before she goes to sleep is about the only time she voluntarily sits still. (Dinner time, too, though I hesitate to describe her mealtime conduct as sitting "still" -- she swishes her food with the spoon, making a mess, bangs her spoon loudly on the tray, throws the spoon and occasionally food onto the table, and generally makes as much of a mess as I'll let her get away with, along with eating a few bites.) I was observing her activity level tonight as she drank her evening bottle. It was the same as ever, but I just was taking more note of it tonight. She literally does not stop moving, even when she finds her little rocker to sit for a second, she's squirming and trying to find the right position, and then immediately back up. In the length of time it takes to consume an 8 oz. bottle, she gets on and off the loveseat one or more time, gets on and off the sofa one or more times (both with my help), takes all the coasters in my little basket on the coffee table and dumps them on the ground, takes the stacking rings and puts them on her arm, then throws them into the next room, gets into and out of her rocking chair one or more times, etc., etc., etc. I see now why she sleeps so well -- she must be exhausted! (Smile)

6. She can be a rude girl at times and I'm having to really strategize on how to teach her better manners. One thing that I let her get away with because she's still pretty little is that she doesn't often ask nicely for things, but rather demands them. Where I do try to draw the line is when she uses tantrums as a means to really demand something. The last couple of nights she's been very prone to this, which has been challenging. Another rude behavior is that she sticks her tongue between her lips and blows (some people call this "making a raspberry"). She doesn't do it just as an experiment or to be funny. She does it when she's pissed off about something. It's hard not to laugh sometimes, but I try not to, as I think that will just encourage the behavior. Also, she's just in the past week or so started getting the brilliant idea to wiggle all around and try to turn over and kneel or even stand when I'm changing her diaper on the changing table. Often she pulls this when she has a poopy diaper and is likely to make a big ol' mess with all that squirming and movement. It's tough to know how to squelch this behavior, as she tends to find it funny and laugh when I try to restrain her movement. She thinks it's a game. And tonight for the first time she did something that made me very mad, which is that she gave my face a bit of a slap as I was trying to change her diaper. It's tough to know how to invoke discipline in that very moment, especially as I was changing a messy diaper. I did end up putting her in two time-outs tonight because she was throwing tantrums every time she wanted something. So, yes, it's true: she's not all goodness and light. But when she's behaving badly I try to remember that this time in her development is a challenging one and that, hopefully, that her strong temperament will serve her well in the long run.

7. Back to another cute things she does: she says hi to everyone and often to inanimate objects if they look like people or animals. I have a wooden statute of St. Francis in the living room and she often says hi to him. Also, in the cupboard where I keep the nipples and other stuff that go with her bottles, there are some mugs and one of them has a face like Elmer Fudd, so everytime I open that cupboard to prepare her a bottle, she shouts "Hi!" She also says "Hi" to my cat Penny repeatedly and would love to touch her and become friends, but Penny is still pretty insistent on running away from Ellie. In fact, our across the street neighbor cat, Little Dude, who is as easy going and friendly a cat as you can imagine, also runs away from Ellie's enthusiastic "Hi's!" I think these smart kitties must know that a small human could mean trouble.

8. Ellie loves to go outside. In the front yard, she enjoys walking up and down the steps that lead to the front door. She also is very taken with the little boys who live next door and who have befriended Ellie from her first day home. Even when they aren't anywhere is sight, Ellie will sometimes insist on walking down to their yard and sometimes she seems to want to walk in their house! Just making herself at home! (Smile) These neighbors also have a nice swing set with a baby swing and so sometimes we go over there and Ellie swings for a while. She also enjoys our own backyard, or, more accurately, our back porch and deck. I have a selection of outdoor toys for her to play with (balls, bubbles, etc.), but, true to form, her usual favorite activity is to climb onto one of the benches that sit on the deck and then, with Mommy's help, jump down onto the deck. It seems that she can do this over and over for many minutes at a stretch without tiring.

9. She now loves her bath and is very excited when I pull back the shower curtain and get out her infant tub. Even with her clothes on, she puts one leg on top of the edge of the tub as if to try to hop on in (good thing she's still too short to achieve her aim). I have a number of bath toys for her and she does use them, but, again, it's the ordinary things that seems to hold the most appeal: the wash clothes, the bottle of Aveeno liquid soap for babies, and the water itself. She loves to splash mightily and gets pretty good distance on the spread of water. I usually get a semi-shower from my vantage point at the edge of the tub and I have got to get better about remembering to move the spare rolls of TP to the far end of the bathroom.

Well, I was going to go for 10 items in my post, but it's bedtime for Mommy! I hope one day that looking back on these writings will remind me of my cute, funny, energetic 18-month old daughter. I know even now that it will seem all too soon that she loses the last traces of babyhood. So I am relishing my baby girl while I can!

Love,
PA

Dear All,

Hope this find everyone out there well and happy!

I realized yesterday evening that I now have less than two weeks left before I return to work fulltime and Ellie starts daycare fulltime. My total time on leave will be 8 weeks when it's all said and done, and at least the first six weeks of it seem to have gone by fast!

While I've done everything I can to make sure our transition back to "reality" is reasonably smooth, I still expect it to be a challenging time, as I get familiar with how the added stress and time-demands of doing my job, and of commuting to and from the office, affect my routine and relationship with Ellie. I work from home two days per week, so that helps. On those days, Ellie will still be at daycare, but I'll be spared the 30+ minute commute to and from my office, which will give her and me a bit more breathing room in our schedule.

On the days that I work at the office, our schedule will be pretty tight. The last two days, I've left Ellie at daycare until about 5 PM, to approximate how our evening schedule will be when I go back to work. (I plan to work 7:30 AM to 4:30 PM and hope that will allow me to pick her up at daycare at about 5 PM most nights, as long as the traffic's not a problem.) The first day of picking her up at 5 PM showed me that this schedule really compresses our evenings. Even if we don't hit bad traffic, we usually won't be walking in the door of our house until about 5:15 PM. Ideally I will be sitting her down for dinner at 5:30 PM, so most of my cooking is going to have to be done in advance, with dinner being just a "heat and serve it" affair. Ellie's eating dinner and the post-eating clean-up usually take about 30 minutes and that just leaves us one hour until it's time for her to go to bed.

On the first day that I picked her up at 5 PM, it was also Ellie's bath day, which really crunched our time in the evening. Immediately after dinner, I got her bath ready and immediately after her bath I gave her a bottle (I still give her a 50% milk/50% formula bottle first thing in the morning and about 30 minutes before bedtime). By hustling through these tasks, I was able to get Ellie in her crib with lights out by 7:05 PM, just 5 minutes later than usual. So, it's doable. It just requires that I have a pretty constant awareness of what time it is and do my best to keep us on task.

I do wonder how this tight weekday schedule will affect Ellie in the long run. Will she start balking at the regimen of getting up, hustling off to daycare after just 20-25 minutes at home, and then having just a couple of hours at home in the evenings? This morning, for the first time, Ellie threw a bit of a tantrum when it was time for me to say bye-bye at the daycare. Although she's been a tiny bit weepy at times in the past, this was a more escalated reaction to my leaving. The owner of the daycare, Miss Vivian, is there in the early mornings on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and she took Ellie and started playing with her. When I walked out, Ellie was still crying, but 10 seconds later when I peeked in the front window she was sitting in Miss Vivian's lap and seemed to have stopped crying. (Thank goodness! It would have been tough to drive away if she was still so upset.)

It's interesting to me that it was after spending her two longest days at the daycare (I've picked her up at 5 PM the last two days) that she had this stronger reaction to my leaving her. It could have been coincidental. In general, thus far she seem to be happy at daycare. Her teachers and the daycare manager report that she is eating well there, is taking daily naps of about 2 hours, and is enjoying her time there. When I pick her up in the afternoons, she always seems fine and happy. Of course, she also is always very happy to see Mommy. She always greets me with a very excited smile and demands to be held. She knows it's time to go home, so she starts saying "tah tah" to everyone and leans in to give her teacher, Miss Nisha, a kiss on the cheek. (Also, even when she was at CH, I learned to take with a grain of salt the "all's well" assessments of Ellie's caregivers. Especially in the case of a daycare, which stands to lose business if a child does not do well there, it's not in their financial interest to disclose to parents every little thing that may not be perfect.)

So, I'll continue monitoring the situation to see how she's doing with fulltime daycare, especially once I go back to work. I have the option, at some point in the future, of getting an at-home baby-sitter to take care of her during the days that I work from home. In order to make this work, I would need to move my office to the basement and effectively leave Ellie and the baby-sitter alone on the main floor of the house, otherwise I doubt I'll get much work done. I haven't gone this route yet because it would be substantially more expensive. The daycare does not offer part-time rates, so I'd still be paying the 5-day per week rate there, plus adding 2 days of baby-sitting at $10 or more per hour.

Also, I think the daycare is probably a more stimulating environment for her, with exposure to more people and activities than she would have at home with a baby-sitter. For instance, she has already become a favorite with the pre-teen daughters of one of the teachers there (she's the teacher in the room adjacent to the toddler room). These girls apparently visit the daycare some days after they get out of school and they have already become good friends with my Little Cutie. (It reminds me of the way the older girls at Children's Home used to love playing with Ellie, putting her hair in pig-tails, or putting nail polish on her.)

Well, on another topic, I've been thinking back this morning to my days with Ellie at the Summit Hotel in Nepal and our long trip back home to Atlanta. If we consider that I had an almost 2-year long "paper pregnancy" of working to complete this adoption, then maybe it's apt to consider the 3 weeks at the Summit as comparable to being in labor, and the 35+ hour trip home as comparable to the actual delivery of my child.

What triggered this line of thinking for me was the fact that this morning Ellie woke up a bit early and so I was under time pressure during my morning shower, because I was sure she would start howling soon for me to let her out of the crib. This experience took me back in my mind to the days at the Summit when I was lucky if I could take a shower of even a couple of minutes in length. Usually Ellie would be standing outside the shower stall, watching me. (I learned to ignore the fact that water was splattering everywhere.) After a while, she started getting more curious about the water and some days seemed tempted to walk into the shower with me (despite her being fully clothed). So, I had to shower quickly to avoid flooding the bathroom, as well as to keep my young toddler from dangerously walking into the shower stall (which had a tiled ledge with hard, sharp corners) and possibly slipping. Also, as I was trying to get her to enjoy her baths back in those days, there were, too, some mornings when I would try to get her to go into the shower with me, taking her clothes off, only to find her dead-set against having to give up her diaper. Or, there were also times I managed to get her clothes and diaper off, only to have her stand just outside the shower stall, refusing to come, or be placed, into the shower itself. And there was the time she pooped on the bath-mat on the floor of the bathroom, while refusing to come into the shower.

Boy, it tires me just to think back to those trying days of having almost every aspect of caring for my child be a challenge and a struggle. I have already written a fair amount on the challenges of getting through meals with Ellie during our stay at the Summit. However, I don't think I mentioned in previous posts that I returned to Atlanta to find that I had lost 8 lbs. in the 3 weeks of being in Nepal, testament to many missed or half-eaten meals there. Yes, I think the word "labor" suits this period well.

And then there's the long trip back home . . . the "delivery," with it's full share of exhaustion, of illness, and of stress. Again, it tires me even now to think back on the experience of being constantly vigilant of Ellie's whereabouts and safety, of whether we had a bottle accessible during take-offs and landings, of keeping track of passports, tickets, boarding passes, and of numerous, heavy carry-on items, all over the course of being in 4 airports over almost 2 full days.

Andy in particular had a couple of scares in which he forgot where he had placed his passport or his ticket. You know those terrible moments of realizing that something important -- your keys, your wallet, whatever -- is not where you thought it would be. You go a bit white in the face and break out in a sweat, you pat your pockets, check all the places where the missing, crucial item might be. When it's finally located, your mind and body breath a huge sigh of relief. Well, imagine all that, with essentially no sleep, over the course of two days of stressful international travel with a young child. Poor Andy! He actually handled the rest of the trip and our time at the Summit with his usual good humor and patience, but in these couple of instances of having something go missing, I saw even the ever-calm Andy get stressed out.

Thankfully, my paper pregnancy, labor, and delivery all ended with our happy arrival to our house in Decatur, to be greeted by gifts and a Welcome Home banner on the front porch. Yes, the arrival of my 18-month old baby was in every measure a joyous occasion! And that joy, and the demands of stepping into this new role of being a parent, have quickly overshadowed the trials and tribulations of getting my child home. But what an adventure it was and continues to be!

Lots of love,
PA

Dear All,

This week I've been introducing Ellie to daycare. I was home with her, just the two of us, for two weeks. I am glad to have had this time with her, as it allowed us to establish our routine and to clear the hurdles with sleeping on Eastern time, eating a broader range of foods, riding in the car-seat without complaints (well, most of the time), enjoying her bathtime, etc. Fortunately, all that stuff went really smoothly. I'm so grateful that my daughter is such a trooper with all the new things in her life!

And so, with a successful two weeks together at home under our belts, I decided to start taking Ellie to daycare for a few hours per day, increasing the time each day until I am due to return to work fulltime on March 5. I'm happy to report that she's doing very well with it and seems to enjoy being with other kids. (Mommy gets a bit boring after so much time together!)

With her outgoing and active nature, and given that she was used to being with a group of children at Children's Home, I figured that she would like daycare, too. My only concern was that after being out of CH for over one month, and with Mommy fulltime during that period, maybe she would be less inclined to go back to a group setting.

Fortunately my concern was misplaced. She has been a bit weepy when I've left her the last two mornings, but I'm told by the daycare staff that she recovers quickly and then does quite well the rest of the time there. I'm also told that she is compliant with the daycare's schedule and activities, including eating the morning snack and the daycare's lunch. When I pick her up each day, she seems to be happy and seems to be fond of the two teachers in her classroom, who are both Indian. I think the fact that Miss Nisha and Miss Pateen look familiar -- similar to the didis at CH -- has been helpful for Ellie.

(I should say more accurately that she ate most of the daycare's lunch yesterday, which is the first day that I've left her there through the lunch and nap periods. I gather that she liked the mashed potatoes and also ate some green beans and fruit cocktail. My girl apparently is the only kid in America to not like chicken nuggets, for which I really give her a lot of credit. As a back-up plan, in case there's some daycare-provided lunch that she totally rejects, I'm also taking some Indian foods for her, that I leave in the fridge in the toddler room at the daycare. After a while, if it seems that she's routinely doing fine with the daycare's lunch, I'll stop bringing the back-up food.)

As of the start of this week, I had about 3 weeks of leave from work remaining. I wanted to start her off gradually with the daycare schedule, so I left her there for just 3 hours per day on Monday and Tuesday of this week.

It was a strange feeling, leaving her and driving away from the daycare for the first time on Monday. As I'm still on leave from work, I ran quickly to the grocery store and then just drove home after that, which is just a 10 minute drive. It was strange walking into the house and having it be so quiet. It was also strange to not have my next set of "to do's" be dictated by her next set of needs/demands, which is basically the way it works when she's awake. For a minute, I didn't quite know what to do with myself and was feeling kind of sad to be home without her. Then I quickly realized that this was a 3-hour block of time in which to get things done that are difficult or impossible to do when she's home. I then had a very productive next 3 hours and the same has been true for each day that I've taken her to daycare. I'm really getting a lot done, catching up on stuff that I know will be hard to get done once I'm back at work.

After those first two days of having her be at daycare just 3 hours per day, and realizing that she was doing well with it, I decided to leave her there through lunchtime on Wednesday. However, the daycare's owner forgot to tell the teachers in Ellie's room that I would be coming by for her after lunch. So when I arrived at the daycare at noon, she was already taking her nap! That was nice! I had thought maybe naptime would be more of hurdle for her, but again she just seems to be a real trooper about it. Also, I know after being with her these past two weeks that she is usually quite tired by noon, so it makes sense that she was ready to lay down on her little mattress for a snooze. I came back after nap time, at about 1:40 PM, and she and I went home. As this routine went well yesterday, I'm going to leave her through nap time again today. And, I have two more weeks to work her up to a fulltime schedule, so I think we're ahead of the game.

Our weekday schedule will be an early one. Yep -- I've decided for the first time in my life to become a morning person so that I can avoid the worst of Atlanta's terrible rushhour traffic -- and also to give us a less hectic schedule in the evenings. So, I'm getting up at 5:30 AM, taking my shower and getting dressed, eating my breakfast, and preparing her morning bottle, all while she's still sleeping. (I had feared that she would wake up with the noise from the shower or what not, but so far she's sleeping through all this, which is great!) I then wake her up at 6:30 AM, say good morning, get her out of her crib and almost immediately give her the warm bottle. She's always quite happy to take it. Then I lay her on her changing table and change her diaper and put on clean clothes while she's drinking her bottle. This works out well, as normally getting her dressed involves a bit of chasing her around to get her to put her arms through the sleeves or her legs through the pant legs. After she's dressed, I take her to the bathroom to wash her hands and face. Fortunately, she likes to play with the handles for the water and I have a fruity scented foam hand soap for her. She sometimes turns the water on full blast and splashes both of us, but at least she let's me clean her hands and face without complaints. I then comb her hair, put on our coats, and we're out the door usually by 6:50 AM so I can drop her off at daycare at 7 AM. I know it sounds like a whirlwind, but in fact it's working pretty well.

Once I start back to work fulltime (on March 5) I'll leave the office at 4:30 PM, hopefully pick her up at 5 PM, have her dinner ready by 5:30, an evening bottle at 6 PM, pajamas and teethbrushing at 6:30 and she's in bed and sleeping by 7 PM. Guess the evening part of this routine will have to be tested more or less in "real time", as I'm not too tempted to drive all the way to work in the afternoons just so I can turn around and drive to her daycare to pick her up. I do have an errand to run that's near my office, so maybe I'll plan that errand for an afternoon sometime soon so that I can get a better sense of what the traffic will be like for my drive home at 4:30 PM each day.

It's funny for me to realize how conscious of time I've become -- a very new habit for me, as I've always been prone to run late to things and have never had a very good sense of how long it takes to accomplish most tasks (usually I underestimate, thus causing me to run late). With Ellie now in my life, there's little room for such slackness. I have to know that if I wake her up at 6:30 AM, I can reasonably expect to have her to daycare by about 7 AM. There's obviously got to be a little room for error, for those days when things don't go exactly as planned. But, in general, I'm hoping our routine will be pretty strictly adhered to.

Well, that's it for now! I'm gonna run and do more stuff that will be harder to get done once Little Missy gets home! (Smile)

Love,
PA

Dear All,

I can't resist a quick post today to let you know that on the issue of food I think Ellie and I are going to be quite well aligned. Today, for the first time since our days at the Summit Hotel in Nepal, I had the courage to enter a restaurant with Ellie. We had been shopping to REI and Target and it was just about 5 PM as we were heading home. I had stuff in the fridge that could have been heated up quickly, but Ellie was saying "mah mah" to indicate that she wanted some food and I was hungry too. So, on the route home I took a chance and stopped at the Chipotle Mexican Grill.

Those of you who followed my adventures in the three weeks spent in Kathmandu finalizing the adoption will remember that eating with Ellie in a restaurant setting was quite difficult in those days. She would refuse to sit in the highchair for more than a few minutes and would then insist on walking all over the place. It was a nightmare trying to eat a decent meal with her along and, as a testament to this fact, I note that I lost 8 lbs. during the 3 weeks we spent in Kathmandu.

Frankly, as a result of those bitter memories of dinners and lunches half-eaten and poorly enjoyed due to the stress of keeping up with Little Missy, I had not yet ventured out to any restaurant with Ellie here in Atlanta. But, hunger prevailed (as well as the desire to eat something other than leftovers out of the fridge) and we stopped at Chipotle.

Well -- hooray! -- our first Atlanta restaurant outing went very well. I figured that Ellie, with her fondness for hot and spicy foods, would like my usual favorite at Chipotle, the Veggie Burrito Bol. It's basically rice, with beans on top (I got a mix of black and pinto beans), then with pico de gallo (tomato salsa), corn salsa, a bit of sour creme, shredded cheese, and topped with guacamole. I ordered just one of these, as they are big enough for me to share with her and asked for an extra bowl for me to serve her portion. And she loved it! She really devoured it, actually. I mostly gave her the rice and beans, but then I gave her a forkful of the guac and she liked it, so I started mixing the guac into her portion, too. And, she sat in her highchair without complaints the entire time, enjoying looking at the exposed HVAC ducts in the ceiling of the restaurant and also playing peek-a-boo with one of the servers who was taking a short break. And Mommy was able to eat, too, which made for two very satisfied, full customers! (Smile)

On that note, I thought I'd share a bit of what I've managed to preserve from my old life and routine, now that my time is so much occupied with Ellie. One thing which I've mentioned previously is NPR -- National Public Radio -- especially in the mornings. Ellie doesn't seem to mind that I'm a bit of an NPR junkie and so I'm able to get my fix of news, especially on the exciting political elections taking place right now, each day. Because Ellie is so reliable about being in bed, asleep, by 7 PM, I also have been watching the McNeil Lehrer Newshour most nights, which is feeds my news habit in the evenings, too.

Another thing that has survived is reading my Time and Newsweek (well, sort of . . . I don't read every issue and don't read all the articles, but I am really looking forward to the special edition of Time that just arrived today with coverage of Super Tuesday). In Nepal I also started reading the book, Wicked, and have really enjoyed it and continue to read it as a pre-bedtime ritual.

I still enjoy coffee each morning and I have not had to entirely give up drinking, although a glass of wine on occasional evenings is about the most I've been up for. I have not had to give up sleeping 7-8 hours per night, thankfully, and, especially these days now that Ellie is getting to be a more civilized eater, I am not missing too many meals (though it's become quite common for me to wind-up eating cold food, given that my first energies are always on getting Ellie to eat).

On the side of the ledger where we count losses, I have only some minor ones. TV is one -- I still watch a bit, but much less than before -- but that's hardly a loss. Evenings out with friends seems to be something that will happen infrequently now, though I'm willing to confess that my social life was not that exciting even before Ellie's arrival. And, when we're a bit more settled, I'll break ground with leaving her with a baby-sitter, to give me a bit more freedom should some exciting evening event come up in the future. Another loss is a bit of vanity. I still start my day with a shower and I still manage (on most days) to put on clean clothes and a bit of make-up, but in general after that initial few minutes in front of the mirror, I pretty much forget about my looks from there on. My focus is on keeping her at least modestly clean, keeping the house modestly clean and tidy (a never ending battle), making sure there is an appropriate snack or meal at the appropriate time, playing with Ellie when we have some free time, changing diapers, washing clothes and dishes, etc. If my make-up fades or my hair gets a bit mussed, I have to admit that I don't even pay attention to that now.

In looking at the way these items line up -- the things I've managed to preserve and the things I've had to let go -- I have to say that I feel pretty good about the priorities I've chosen. Most of my losses were, in all honesty, wasteful or time and energy. Now my energies are being spent -- almost fully -- on what really matters. At least for now, this feels like a good place to be.

Love to all,
PA

Dear All,

Tomorrow Ellie and will have been home two weeks. Just two short weeks, and yet in many ways our life together has already settled into a nice routine.

Beginning this week, Ellie finally got the knack of sleeping a bit later (our first week back, we had been on the "dairy farmer's schedule" with wake-ups around 5 AM) and of sleeping pretty much uninterrupted through the night. She's in bed by 7 PM and most days sleeps until at least 6:30 AM.

She's also done great at transitioning to a one-nap-per-day schedule. After learning that her daycare only does one nap per day -- from noon to 2 PM -- I started trying to keep her up throughout the morning and then put her down for a nap after lunch. It took just a couple of days to get her into this new routine and it's really freed us up to do more stuff in both the mornings and the afternoons (the two nap per day schedule makes it very tough to get out of the house for more than a quick errand).

I've also tried to mimic the daycare's meal schedule, which includes a mid-morning snack at about 9 AM, lunch at 11:30 AM, and a mid-afternoon snack at about 2:30 PM. In truth, I pretty much will give Ellie a snack anytime she seems to want one. She's coming from an environment where food was rationed and not plentiful, so I want her to experience abundance for a change. I am not worried about her weight, as she's not even close to being heavy (probably to the contrary). Also, in general she is a nibbler rather than a glutton -- it actually would be nice to see her eat more, but I guess being a picky and infrequent eater is common with a toddler.

Having said that, I am pleased to report that she has just this week broadened her taste to accept a few more foods. In particular, she now seems to like yogurt (or, at least, some kinds of yogurt) and she also is now liking the small shortbread cookies that she rejected last week. From the first time I offered it, she liked jalepeno pepper cheddar cheese, so I continue to offer that as an occasional snack. She also has always seemed to like hummus, even the Greek olive variety of hummus that is Mommy's current favorite. It's still a bit amazing to me that at her age she likes such strong and spicy foods, but I'm happy to give them to her if that's what she likes.

I was also able to give her two non-Nepali/Indian dinner foods that she liked and has eaten on a couple of occasions this week. One is a "chicken pie" (a chicken casserole, really -- a Southern specialty) that was brought to me by one of my neighbors as part of our neighborhood association's "Welcoming Committee." (Such a nice treat - I was very appreciative of this thoughtful gesture.) I wasn't sure she would like it because, up to then, she really had only liked the Indian foods I was offering her. But when she tasted the chicken pie she immediately said "Ummmmm!" A Southerner is Born! (Smile)

The other dinner that she liked this week was Mommy's homemade spaghetti with meat sauce. She had liked the spaghetti at the Summit Hotel in Nepal, so I took a chance and made a batch of homemade meat sauce during one of her midday naps earlier this week. It was very gratifying to serve her a little plate of spaghetti and have her respond again with a loud, "Ummmmm!"

I should confess that when I say she enjoyed these meals, mostly I mean that she was willing to eat a few bites and then spend a bit of time in her highchair making an utter mess with the remainder. In the end, not much food really gets into her mouth. The technique I use to get at least some food into her mouth is to give her one spoon for herself (and she is actually getting better at getting food into the spoon and then into her mouth on her own), and then with another one I shovel food into her mouth before she gets bored and gives me the sign for "all done." (It's a bit of baby sign language that Andy taught her - basically it's that she wipes the palms of her hands together a couple of times as if she were wiping crumbs off her palms.)

Well, now that you've heard of all our progress this week, let me tell you about the daycare scare. On Monday I had intended to start taking Ellie to daycare for a few hours per day. I had visited the daycare with Ellie on the prior Friday and made all the arrangements.

I was in for a very bad surprise because when I arrived at the daycare at about 9:00 AM on Monday, with Ellie's diaper bag, a change of clothes, and a snack (the necessary provisions for a few hours at daycare), I was told that they did not have a space for Ellie after all. I was furious! I had had detailed discussions with the manager of the daycare just the prior Friday about having Ellie join the daycare, their sleep and meal schedules, etc. In my mind, I was fully committed to bringing her to that particular daycare and I had been assured that I would be able to start her there beginning Monday.

From what I now understand, the situation occurred due to a miscommunication between the owner of the daycare and the manager. The owner had given a space in the toddler room to another mother earlier in the day on Friday, while the manager had promised it to me that afternoon.

What a lousy start to my day! I don't think I've been that angry in quite some time. I know from my prior visits to daycares (I started on the daycare hunt very early in my adoption process), that infant and toddler spaces are tough to get and parents often sit on wait lists for months before getting their kid in the door.

I stormed off, very upset, and drove to a nearby Montesorri school, to begin my search for another suitable daycare with a toddler space (and with just four weeks remaining in my leave from work). Unfortunately, my daycare luck was all bad that day. At the Montesorri school, I was told there wouldn't be any openings until September! I later called the other daycares that I'd previously visited and liked, to see if they might have a space for Ellie. At one, I was told that they didn't have a toddler space available at the moment, but they would call me back to let me know when one was expected to open up. I still haven't heard back from them. At the other place I called, I left a voicemail message and still haven't received a return call. At a second Montisorri school I called, they told me that I needed to first take a tour of the school and their February tour was fully booked so the earliest tour date would be in March; then after the tour, if I wanted to apply, they would have to interview Ellie and me and then they would make a decision about whether to accept her into their school and when. (Ugh!)

So, it was looking like I was going to be in a bind, maybe having to try to find a nanny -- on pretty short notice -- or having to use a second-rate daycare (there's one that's located in my office complex, but it's left me very unimpressed each time I've visited there). Thankfully on Tuesday morning I got a call from the owner of the first daycare (the one that originally told me that Ellie could have a space there and then gave us the boot) and I was told that the other mother who had been given the toddler space had to change her plans due to a conflict between the daycare's hours and her work hours. So, the daycare offered the space to Ellie. Although I was still very angry at the way they had handled the situation, I accepted the space and am grateful that this situation resolved itself.

This crisis did remind me of how critical the childcare situation is for any working mother. In my observation of other families, when childcare is reliable and satisfactory, the parents are busy, but life is manageable. On the other hand, when there's a problem with childcare, that is a true crisis for a working mom, especially a single working mom. So, I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the situation with this daycare works for Ellie and me for at least 6 - 12 months. In the meantime, I can get on some wait lists at other daycares so that I have some other options in the months ahead.

Well, I can't close this update without mentioning that yesterday, February 7, was a special, but sad day, marking one month since Ellie became legally my daughter, and also marking six months since my father's death. I haven't previously mentioned my father in these updates, but I think of him very often and try to imagine how much pleasure he would be taking in Ellie's funny antics and her beautiful smile. I can just about hear his voice and the loving comments he would make about her. I really wish he were here to share this time with me, with us, and to offer the insights, wit, and warmth that were uniquely his to give. Even after knowing him all my life, my imagination is a poor substitute for the man himself. I really miss him.

But, at the same time, I am relishing my little Ellie, especially now that our lives seem to be about more than just "getting through the day." It's not that long ago that I was struggling to care for her in a small hotel room, without a crib, without a proper means to feed her, cutting my teeth as a new mom, dealing with her grief and confusion as she transitioned to life outside the orphanage. Now, just 2 weeks into our life together here in Atlanta, the practical stuff of life -- the eating, sleeping, car-seat, diaper changes, etc. (which, of course, is all so important) -- has really come together for us. But even more important, this past week I've also seen Ellie and I grow to have a more fun and affectionate relationship. We laugh and play together often now. She spontaneously gives Mommy kisses. Her need for comfort and closeness and hugs and kisses from me to her has been there from day one, but this new playfulness and her frequent demonstrations of enjoyment of and affection for her mom is new this week . . . and it is very, very wonderful.

Lots of love to all,
PA

Welcome to day 1 of week 2 of our return to Atlanta to begin our lives together as mother and daughter. I continue to be amazed at how quickly and relatively easily we've progressed in establishing our routine. Seems like light-years from my experience at the Summit. And it's mostly Mommy who's had to learn the lessons of parenting, not just Ellie who has had to learn to conform her behavior to Mom's expectations.

One of the lessons I've learned in regard to eating is that "you can take the girl out of Nepal, but you can't take Nepal out of the girl!" Yes, what my little one prefers to eat is not the bland yogurt or oatmeal that Western babies seem to like, but spicy dal and curried veggies. She has refused applesauce and mandarin orange segments, but loves sauteed spinach. I've been hoping to broaden her palate over this week, steadfastly offering her some items that I like, along with her favorites. But thus far she's been equally steadfast in her taste for Nepali food, saying a loud "blech" when offered an offending food item. So, at least for now, I'm going to go with the flow on her food preferences and assume that over time she'll add some Western foods to her diet. Not that there's really any nutritional problem with what she is choosing to eat -- to the contrary, it's all very healthy stuff. Lentils, spinach, rice, veggies. (And, of course, formula as a supplement until she moves totally to solid foods.) My cousin Adriana, a pediatrician, sent me an email in regard to Ellie's mealtime issues, reminding me that her food preferences are based at least in part on genetics and thousands of years of evolution of her ancestors. So, I will respect these venerable influences in my daughter and, indeed, enjoy them, as I too broaden my cooking and eating repertoires. Fortunately, the foods she likes are readily available in heat-and-serve varieties from the local Indian grocer (and even from our local Kroger). And Mommy may even try her hand at some Nepali home-cooking soon.

Well, in another "first", yesterday we paid a first visit to Ellie's daycare. It had been somewhat of a trying day with Ellie -- my energy was a bit low and she was in a mood where, at times, nothing would satisfy her. I felt that a chance for her to hang out with other kids would be a welcome change for her after basically 4 weeks of spending 24 hours per day with boring old Mommy. The visit went well and I was particularly happy to find that one of the caregivers in the room where Ellie will be is of Indian background, as is the manager of the daycare. So, it was easy to explain to the manager the situation with Ellie's food preferences and, though I've asked that the daycare offer Ellie it's standard lunch and snack options each day, I'll also send along some food that is more to her current taste, as well as bottles of formula. I also was able to get a more detailed breakdown of the schedule followed by the daycare and I'm now working on transitioning Ellie to that schedule.

I think the biggie will be moving her off two naps per day to just one. At the daycare, naptime is from noon to 2 PM. So, today is my first day of trying to keep her up all morning (she fell asleep briefly in her carseat during morning errands, but didn't get a full nap) and now I've laid her down for an after-lunch nap. She's struggling to get to sleep and has been crying. I went in there once to reassure her and she kept wanting to get back in her crib, so I know she's tired, but then she kept crying. I think she's actually really tired but is just having a hard time settling herself down to sleep because her body's not used to napping at noon. Well, it's about 1 PM now so I think she'll be falling asleep soon and hopefully will sleep for at least one hour.

In addition to getting her schedule at home to look more like her eventual schedule at daycare, I'm also going to use this month of time off work to get her used to going to daycare itself. Yesterday during our visit she spent about 20 minutes in the room with her new caregivers (and without me) and I think she had a good time. Beginning next Monday and hopefully for increasing periods of time over the course of the next month, I'll take her to daycare. It's especially important for her to see that at the end of each visit to daycare, Mommy does come back for her. I'm hoping that by the time I return to work in March, she'll be very comfortable with the routine of going to daycare (and, indeed, will enjoy the time with other children, as that's what she's used to from Children's Home).

Well, at last, silence from Ellie's room. She's finally been able to fall asleep.

Honestly, the moments of having to let her cry yet knowing in the end that's what's best for her can be pretty tough. I am grateful to have been a fan of the various Nanny Reality TV shows these past few years, as I learned by watching those shows what can happen when a child learns early on that she/he is the one in charge. In short, it's a recipe for a very troubled household and miserable parents and child. I also remember a Dr. Phil Show episode along the same lines in which Dr. Phil put it succinctly to a parent at a moment when his child was having a particular tantrum about something; he said, "Your child is using this moment to determine who's in charge, him or his parent. You'd better makes sure that at the end of this moment, what he learns is that it's his parents who are in charge." So, I see my role as being the parent, not the playmate, and I assume the authority of that role and use my 42 years of life experience to do my best to make sure her life is safe and happy.

And, I am infinitely, humbly grateful when "doing my best" seems to be good enough and my child gives me the hugs, kisses, and smiles that show me that I'm getting most of this parenting stuff right. I love my girl very much and it's so very wonderful when I see that she loves me back.

Well, I'd better get a bite of lunch while my cutie is napping. Til soon, lots of love to all,
PA